Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Pre-Travel Blues

I planned the trip. I spent hours researching and planning and plotting. Weeks of financial planning. Tons of trips to supervisors to discuss the needed days off versus available time off. Talking to the kids to give them ample time to understand that their Dad and I will be on vacation for a week. Helping them to emotionally and mentally prep for it. The bags are packed, the kids are prepared, travel documents printed. And I don’t want to go.

There. I said it. It’s down to the very last minute and I regret every second of planning. I regret every penny put into the trip and the fact that I didn’t invest in refundable tickets. It’s not that I don’t want to travel. I yearn to travel. My spare time is often spent thinking of traveling; where to go and making bucket lists. Scrapping the list and starting all over. But the minute that leaving the kids behind becomes more of a reality than just the hypothetical “oh yeah, they’ll be fine and we’ll get some alone time” I start to crack. Stress hits an all-time high and I cry at the drop of a hat.

I start to overthink everything. What if they break an arm? What if they wake in the middle of the night and want me? What if their grandparents aren’t on the list at daycare? What if. What if. What if?? They need me. I need them. But the “what if’s” of life will overwhelm and consume you if you let them. If everyone listened to those types of thoughts then no one would ever take chances, have new experiences, and life as we know it would never progress. It’d be stagnant and life isn’t meant for that. It’s meant to flow and change. One day the kids will start to grow up, they’ll start to have their own experiences, they’ll start to leave me out of things. They too will experience their own “what if” moments.

So, last night I snuggled them close, we co-slept, we talked and read together. We sang songs this morning and played in the covers. And I as I packed the car and drove away I thought to myself…."Why don’t I show them how to conquer doubt?”

So here I sit in the terminal flipping back and forth between the excitement of a trip and the sorrow of leaving my babes. I remind myself they'll be fine and that I'll see them in a week. I'm stuffing my doubts and worries into my suitcase and there they'll stay. Because what is life if we allow doubt to rule?